Filed under: Functional | Tags: abnormal manifestations, Dry Wall Tape, Kids playing with toys at 4AM, my house is not worth defacing, my yard is dead, mysteries of the universe
Maybe.
Anyway. I walk out one morning and notice a giant ribbon of what presumably is dry wall tape running the length of my yard. No really, it stops at one fence and goes to the other. My neighbors were untouched.
Once again, I’m left wonder, “what the fuck?” I mean lets think about it. Like really think about it. What would one be carrying that would require this much tape other than drywall? And if you were carrying drywall, wouldn’t you need tape?
And if you dropped this much drywall tape, wouldn’t you notice? Was someone trying to toilet paper my house and failed? Or just stopped caring when they saw the state of my grass.
I like the image of my local kids, running about at 4 AM twirling with glee, dragging this white ribbon behind them like some ridiculous toy before getting bored and ditching the shit in my yard. Because somehow that explanation makes more sense to me.
Filed under: Uncategorized, Winter Solstice | Tags: and we all know commas save lives, andy goldsworthy sculpture, commas will save us from the mayans, I can't read, mayan calendar, ophiucus, the end of the world, The world will end december 21 2012, time to panic people, we're fucked, why does this shit end up in my yard, you can't use commas within tags
I have a weird affinity for getting trash in my yard that’s so clearly related to elementary school assignments. But this one was doubly good. It was first, a handout about Mayan Cities, clearly indicating that we should all be panicking about 2012… and second, it was trapped in the ice, so I couldn’t even throw it away if I wanted to (and I don’t). It’s like my own personal Andy Goldsworthy sculpture.
I can’t read the cities, but I’m guessing what’s telling us is that on December 21, 2012 the world will die in a fiery ball because at 5PM Universal Time we cross the galactic equator and the thirteenth and hidden zodiac sign, Ophiucus… yea, I know my shit.
Time to panic people… get on with it. The elementary school handout prophecized it.
Filed under: Intangible Truths, Uncategorized | Tags: empty calories, empty prophecies, my thumb makes a cameo, open your fortune cookie in bed, this month?
I found a fortune cookie fortune (there has to be an easier way to say this) in the yard yesterday. As with most of those fortunes, it was optimistic. “The sky is the limit this month.”
Although I personally prefer the more colloquial “The sky is the limit this month… in bed.”
I, however, was left with questions: “this month.” Does it refer to January? Feb? Are we talking yesterday through February 26? So many things to ponder.
And really, I need a universe to hone in on what’s going to be so great about “this month.” job? money? will I will the lottery? Take a vacation? Work with me, people. I just can’t imagine “this month” is going to be some madgasm of an explosion of happiness on all fronts.
huh, maybe I didn’t find optimism in my yard.
Filed under: Entertainment, Functional | Tags: a long winter without gems, a toothless principal, averted danger, i do not live near a country club, tiger woods tried to sleep with me, Two balls in my yard, white thing for whitey
It’s been a while. My yard is blanketed in snow, and I think people are afraid to leave me gems because they stand out in the stark contrast against the whiteness.
So someone left me a white thing. (for the whitey)
A golf ball, because I live so close to a country club?
I’m not really sure about this one. I mean, I’d imagine it had to have bounced there, which is kind of unsafe. My high school principal lost teeth to a bouncing golf ball, true story. Well, someone yelled fore and he evidently missed that part, and it slammed into his face. Either way, Danger.
Do you think maybe tiger woods left it? trying to add me to his harem? I mean, we know he’s straight, but I would wager he’s “straight to the gays” as they say. Oh tiger, such an easy target.
UPDATE: I found ANOTHER golf ball. The casa (spanish for house) is UNDER-SIEGE. I’m going to have to hire a caddy or something.
THE SECOND BALL!
Filed under: Functional, Holiday Edibles | Tags: Bounce, Damn you static cling, frozen sweets, insubordination, Javier Escaname, payroll, Reading is Tough, Starburst Induced Frenzy, wrinkle free living
Holy Jeez. I found all kinds of shit in my yard yesterday morning. I’m not sure how to really process it. The items included a starburst, still in the wrapper, a time sheet, and a dryer sheet.
I’d like to think all of it was left by one person.
The time sheet clearly names Javier Escaname as the culprit. He’s an early riser, working 7 to 4PM. So here’s probably what went down. Javier, rushing to work in his early morning, starburst induced high, realized that he had a leftover Bounce sheet attached to his sweater (it was cold), and thought, “damn that static cling.”
And whilst trying to reach for the offending dryer sheet, leaned forward and from his pocket fell his time sheet and his starburst (his primary source of energy).
I’ve decided to attach a photo of me trying to read… in my yard.
Filed under: Holiday Edibles | Tags: Diamond Jumbo Walnuts, Empty Nutsack, Helicopter Parenting, oh the irony, Orchard Fresh Dog Balls, Pet Doters, Testicle Necklace, WTF
Yes, I found irony in my front lawn yesterday.
This requires a back story. Last week some friends of mine were having their dog, Charlie, neutered. The dog is easily the most pampered thing on the planet and my friends are clearly going to be insane helicopter parents one day… The dog is bathed more frequently than I bathe myself, he certainly eats better than I do, and I remember distinctly hearing a tale of the pup’s rash a few weeks ago. You can almost hear the hovering…
Anyway, after the puppy had his balls chopped, I followed up with my doting friends to see how he was doing, and being the asshole that I am asked casually, “Are you planning on making necklaces from his testicles?” Once the question had been processed, I was met with a biting retort: “We were planning on throwing them in your yard.”
No, I didn’t find dog testicles in my yard.
But, I did walk out to my car the next morning and found an empty bag of walnuts. WTF?
Filed under: Missing | Tags: Houdini Shit, I will go CSI on your ass, ice age dr. pepper, Michael Crighton couldn't dream this shit up, Michael Crighton is dead silly, Missing trash, Recycling, Stolen canned good, Thirst quenching, Vamoose
As you know, I typically track things in my yard/vicinity of my yard and write up hilariously witty quips describing the events leading up to them ending up in my yard.
Well, for the first time, I’ll be cataloging the story of something that is no longer in my yard.
Last night, I was coming home and saw a can of orange soda next to some circular of some sort. This, sadly, is not typically blog worthy. Even as I write this, there is an unopened can of dr pepper somewhere in my lawn buried under a few inches of snow.
However, here’s the real story. This morning I was met with a mystery. The can of OPENED orange soda was gone… Vamoose like some houdini shit. All that was left was a series of clues that indicated that sometime between the hours of midnight and 8 AM, someone was thirsty enough to steal an opened can of orange soda from my lawn.
Note the three photos. The first, the scene of the crime, with orange blood spilled across the virgin snow, like a scene out of one of those Michael Crichton novels the kids are reading. The second, evidence of the perp, a foot prints. And the third, finally, a sloppy and clearly hurried exit from the crime scene, spilled orange soda.
The scene of the crime
The getaway car… foot
And they’re off…
