Filed under: Entertainment, Functional | Tags: a long winter without gems, a toothless principal, averted danger, i do not live near a country club, tiger woods tried to sleep with me, Two balls in my yard, white thing for whitey
It’s been a while. My yard is blanketed in snow, and I think people are afraid to leave me gems because they stand out in the stark contrast against the whiteness.
So someone left me a white thing. (for the whitey)
A golf ball, because I live so close to a country club?
I’m not really sure about this one. I mean, I’d imagine it had to have bounced there, which is kind of unsafe. My high school principal lost teeth to a bouncing golf ball, true story. Well, someone yelled fore and he evidently missed that part, and it slammed into his face. Either way, Danger.
Do you think maybe tiger woods left it? trying to add me to his harem? I mean, we know he’s straight, but I would wager he’s “straight to the gays” as they say. Oh tiger, such an easy target.
UPDATE: I found ANOTHER golf ball. The casa (spanish for house) is UNDER-SIEGE. I’m going to have to hire a caddy or something.
THE SECOND BALL!
Filed under: Functional, Holiday Edibles | Tags: Bounce, Damn you static cling, frozen sweets, insubordination, Javier Escaname, payroll, Reading is Tough, Starburst Induced Frenzy, wrinkle free living
Holy Jeez. I found all kinds of shit in my yard yesterday morning. I’m not sure how to really process it. The items included a starburst, still in the wrapper, a time sheet, and a dryer sheet.
I’d like to think all of it was left by one person.
The time sheet clearly names Javier Escaname as the culprit. He’s an early riser, working 7 to 4PM. So here’s probably what went down. Javier, rushing to work in his early morning, starburst induced high, realized that he had a leftover Bounce sheet attached to his sweater (it was cold), and thought, “damn that static cling.”
And whilst trying to reach for the offending dryer sheet, leaned forward and from his pocket fell his time sheet and his starburst (his primary source of energy).
I’ve decided to attach a photo of me trying to read… in my yard.
Filed under: Holiday Edibles | Tags: Diamond Jumbo Walnuts, Empty Nutsack, Helicopter Parenting, oh the irony, Orchard Fresh Dog Balls, Pet Doters, Testicle Necklace, WTF
Yes, I found irony in my front lawn yesterday.
This requires a back story. Last week some friends of mine were having their dog, Charlie, neutered. The dog is easily the most pampered thing on the planet and my friends are clearly going to be insane helicopter parents one day… The dog is bathed more frequently than I bathe myself, he certainly eats better than I do, and I remember distinctly hearing a tale of the pup’s rash a few weeks ago. You can almost hear the hovering…
Anyway, after the puppy had his balls chopped, I followed up with my doting friends to see how he was doing, and being the asshole that I am asked casually, “Are you planning on making necklaces from his testicles?” Once the question had been processed, I was met with a biting retort: “We were planning on throwing them in your yard.”
No, I didn’t find dog testicles in my yard.
But, I did walk out to my car the next morning and found an empty bag of walnuts. WTF?
Filed under: Missing | Tags: Houdini Shit, I will go CSI on your ass, ice age dr. pepper, Michael Crighton couldn't dream this shit up, Michael Crighton is dead silly, Missing trash, Recycling, Stolen canned good, Thirst quenching, Vamoose
As you know, I typically track things in my yard/vicinity of my yard and write up hilariously witty quips describing the events leading up to them ending up in my yard.
Well, for the first time, I’ll be cataloging the story of something that is no longer in my yard.
Last night, I was coming home and saw a can of orange soda next to some circular of some sort. This, sadly, is not typically blog worthy. Even as I write this, there is an unopened can of dr pepper somewhere in my lawn buried under a few inches of snow.
However, here’s the real story. This morning I was met with a mystery. The can of OPENED orange soda was gone… Vamoose like some houdini shit. All that was left was a series of clues that indicated that sometime between the hours of midnight and 8 AM, someone was thirsty enough to steal an opened can of orange soda from my lawn.
Note the three photos. The first, the scene of the crime, with orange blood spilled across the virgin snow, like a scene out of one of those Michael Crichton novels the kids are reading. The second, evidence of the perp, a foot prints. And the third, finally, a sloppy and clearly hurried exit from the crime scene, spilled orange soda.
The scene of the crime
The getaway car… foot
And they’re off…