Things Found In My Yard


Bling / You’ve got to be joking

So I’ve had a handful of people tell me they are going to start planting interesting crap in my yard.  This is the first time I’ve ever wondered if someone is just messing with me.  Yes, you’re eyes aren’t deceiving you.  It is a silver cassette tape covered in rhinestones.

BUT WAIT!  It’s a belt buckle.  Seriously.  I’m going to wear it.  Someone sure as shit should.

I’m going to do something different.  I’d like you, my avid readers (all ten of you), to write the thought process that goes through someone’s head when purchasing said belt buckle… also, extra credit, name a store where you could find something like this.  Once you’ve got your story down, post it in the comments.  I’ll pick my favorite and then give the winner the belt buckle.

Here’s my story.  “oh shit, while I was american eagle outfitters yesterday, I saw the most fetch piece of bling I could ever imagine.  It was a cassette tape with rhinestones.  Now I finally have something to draw attention away from my camel toe.”  Hopefully you can do better.

80's Bling

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8 Comments so far
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The other day I took my Welfare check down to the Compton Mart on East Colfax to buy some MC Hammer pants but I found this banging belt buckle instead…see it matches my teeth. 😀

Comment by Jeremy

… and in further news tonight, it seems as though an intergalactic take over of Earth was thwarted today when invaders from neighboring Boombastic 6 in the Greuve galaxy lost a key item to their attack.

Witnesses claim that a jewel encrusted casette tape was found in the yard of Denver resident Adam Dyer – he claims “I thought it was like, some gag ya know, like, my friends playing a trick on me or something. Turns out, I saved the planet without even knowing it. Rad”.

A representative from Boombastic 6 said “Our beats were so sick, that they would have literally blown your minds. Earth got lucky this time, yo”.

It looks to this reporter, like we have a very lucky ending, in a galactic game of “Finders Keepers”.

Coming up next … a new treatment for crabs that chemically lowers your embarrasment in treatment by including 20% Zanax.

Comment by Jeromie Williams

Dirk stepped out of his rusty ’87 Camaro, careful not to get his foot caught in the hole that had recently appeared in the floorboards. He loved this car, not because it was reliable or flashy, but because it reminded him of the girl he got when the Camaro was new, Waneeta. She’s now on her third husband, none of them being Dirk, but his determination to be her fourth has become overwhelming as the Camaro slowly sputters to its death. Today will be the first day for the new Dirk, he thought, as he rummaged through the piles of random toss-asides at his neighbor’s garage sale. A sparkle catches the corner of his eye and he lifts a shiny belt buckle out of the box, handling it like a fragile ancient piece of pottery. This is his rebirth.

Comment by Jerrod

Tonight was the night that Reggie would deflower Betty in the parking lot of Riverdale High. Reggie had just bought a rad cassette from K-tel to blare through his car speakers to ultimately drown out Betty’s pleas for Veronica to turn off the video camera.

As this was Betty’s first time, Archie had her practice by sucking the chrome off of the trailer hitch. Her mouth shone with silver.

After Reggie finished with her he said, ‘that oughta hold you for a while baby, that oughta hold ya.’

To make herself presentable to do the perfunctory ‘walk of shame’ home Betty had to wipe off the telltale chrome from her lips with the closest object to her. Betty didn’t go to the prom that night but she did spit that chrome covered cassette into an adjacent pervert’s yard. 9 months later her bastard was born. Betty continues to live as a single parent. I think we all learned a lesson here today.

Comment by Huge Vajeene

Does anyone else think the cassette looks like it has a face? Like a bewildered pug or something…

Comment by The Yard Viking

Like every Friday night, Teeny was heading to the A-town mall with her BFF Stace to scope boyz, have an OJ (Orange Julius, of course), and blow her allowance on clothes or whatever.

Teeny had been in Hot Topics for, like, an hour when something in the clearance bin caught her eye. At first she thought it was was a cute, bedazzled robot face. Stace quickly corrected her,

“It’s a TAPE, dummy! You know, like what people used to put music on?!? Duh. It’s, like, retro.”

“Oh”.

Teeny had never owned a tape but had seen them before. She imagined herself wearing the belt buckle later when they went to hang out outside McDonalds, it’s sparkle matching the bracelet she just picked up at Claire’s. Maybe people would think she were older if she had on a retro belt buckle like that. And if she wore more eye line and had her hair teased up enough. Damn, she had to remember to put on more eyeliner before they left the mall.

She wasn’t sure what Stace thought of the belt buckle, but she decided to buy it without asking. Teeny was 15 now. It was time to start acting like it.

————–
PS: I saw this thing on your dining table and thought it was yours. So scary.

Comment by Chris

High-Koo

My CZ Casette
5 leaf twig green grass heaven
Autumn up in here

Comment by Snakey Beige

First I want to thank my breasts then my daddy – always in that order for this award. I will wear my belt buckle above my huge vajeene with pride.

Comment by Huge Vajeene




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