Things Found In My Yard


High Fructose Sugar Frosted Homeless Sign

Corn pops were a staple as a child.  I was a hyper kid and needed large amounts of sugar to sustain the level of energy necessary to be the spaz I was… So when I saw this box, unfolded, lain in my yard with the same care one lays a baby jesus in a manger, I immediately had the thrill a recovered heroin addict feels when relapsing for the first time.

OHHHH, I said to myself.  Wondering why the hell the box was unfolded.

I flipped it over to see if it was a sign that said “will work for food” or my less favorite version “Why Lie. I need money for a blow job.”  Sadly it wasn’t.

Also, notice that it says something about 110 calories?  can we confirm this?

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An Accent that Doesn’t Quit

This one is more mysterious than other findings.  It’s a “cellular accent” in a cellophane wrapper.

I mean seriously people, what the hell is a cellular accent?  Is it to add emphasis to a vowel?  Is it a fancy word for accessory?  Well shit, I’m sold.

Let’s brainstorm all the possibilities it could be: A Miley Cyrus Hannah Montana Cell Phone Wig.  A Halloween Toy that some somali pirate felt needed to be left on my lawn?  Glenn Beck’s anti-tear cover for the Iphone?  A hello kitty bobble?

The possibilities boggle the mind…



Leaves/More proof that I’m a shitty neighbor

This whole blog started with a homeless man sleeping in a neighbor’s front yard.  I, like any other terrible person, decided to live and let live, took a photo and went back inside where I prepared refreshments and watched South Park.  I guess you could call me a “hands off” neighbor.

Another things my tender fingers haven’t touched in months is neither a rake nor a lawnmower.  My thought, live and let live, those weeds have every right to be there.

This morning I was walking out to my car and noticed that both of my immediate neighbors have done a fabulous job of keeping their now dying lawns pristine.  If you look below you’ll see a very clear property line where my one neighbor’s lawn starts and mine ends.  It’s reminds me of  when the Pope split up South America with The Line of Demarcation to give Brazil to Portugal and the rest to Spain: Brazil stayed well manicured, hairless even, while the rest of South America fell prey to cocaine dealers and hippies hiking the andes mountains.

I guess this is why I find random shit in my yard…

The Battle Lines Are Clearly Drawn