Things Found In My Yard


Those Ribbons People Swirl Around at Gymnastics

Maybe.

Anyway.  I walk out one morning and notice a giant ribbon of what presumably is dry wall tape running the length of my yard.  No really, it stops at one fence and goes to the other.  My neighbors were untouched.

Once again, I’m left wonder, “what the fuck?”  I mean lets think about it.  Like really think about it.  What would one be carrying that would require this much tape other than drywall?  And if you were carrying drywall, wouldn’t you need tape?

And if you dropped this much drywall tape, wouldn’t you notice?  Was someone trying to toilet paper my house and failed?  Or just stopped caring when they saw the state of my grass.

I like the image of my local kids, running about at 4 AM twirling with glee, dragging this white ribbon behind them like some ridiculous toy before getting bored and ditching the shit in my yard.  Because somehow that explanation makes more sense to me.



Golf Ball – UPDATE

It’s been a while.  My yard is blanketed in snow, and I think people are afraid to leave me gems because they stand out in the stark contrast against the whiteness.

So someone left me a white thing. (for the whitey)

A golf ball, because I live so close to a country club?

I’m not really sure about this one.  I mean, I’d imagine it had to have bounced there, which is kind of unsafe.  My high school principal lost teeth to a bouncing golf ball, true story.   Well, someone yelled fore and he evidently missed that part, and it slammed into his face.  Either way, Danger.

Do you think maybe tiger woods left it?  trying to add me to his harem?  I mean, we know he’s straight, but I would wager he’s “straight to the gays” as they say.  Oh tiger, such an easy target.

UPDATE: I found ANOTHER golf ball.  The casa (spanish for house) is UNDER-SIEGE.  I’m going to have to hire a caddy or something.

THE SECOND BALL!



Javier Escaname’s Morning Routine

Holy Jeez.  I found all kinds of shit in my yard yesterday morning.  I’m not sure how to really process it.    The items included a starburst, still in the wrapper, a time sheet, and a dryer sheet.

I’d like to think all of it was left by one person.

The time sheet clearly names Javier Escaname as the culprit.  He’s an early riser, working 7 to 4PM.  So here’s probably what went down.  Javier, rushing to work in his early morning, starburst induced high, realized that he had a leftover Bounce sheet attached to his sweater (it was cold), and thought, “damn that static cling.”

And whilst trying to reach for the offending dryer sheet, leaned forward and from his pocket fell his time sheet and his starburst (his primary source of energy).

I’ve decided to attach a photo of me trying to read… in my yard.



An Accent that Doesn’t Quit

This one is more mysterious than other findings.  It’s a “cellular accent” in a cellophane wrapper.

I mean seriously people, what the hell is a cellular accent?  Is it to add emphasis to a vowel?  Is it a fancy word for accessory?  Well shit, I’m sold.

Let’s brainstorm all the possibilities it could be: A Miley Cyrus Hannah Montana Cell Phone Wig.  A Halloween Toy that some somali pirate felt needed to be left on my lawn?  Glenn Beck’s anti-tear cover for the Iphone?  A hello kitty bobble?

The possibilities boggle the mind…



Free Buffet
October 25, 2009, 4:25 pm
Filed under: Edible, Functional | Tags: , , , , ,

It’s been fairly windy these past few days, so all sorts of shit has been blowing about the neighborhood, landing in my yard like Dorothy Gale.  Although no one is putting my parking warrior out of her misery and stealing her shoes.

This nugget is the lid to a buffet tray.  I am unable to decipher the contents of what this piece of garbage helped keep warm.  It looks like it says Gope 617.  What the hell is that?  Is it foreign?  Notice the foreign 7.

Gope 617



A Murder Weapon… for Gingivitus
September 24, 2009, 4:52 pm
Filed under: Functional | Tags: , , , ,

This one I almost missed.  See how this floss/string/something just blends into the weeds?  I’m actually just happy to see that the local meth heads/crack addicts are taking care of their teeth… or tooth.  Perhaps they’re just polishing up that one remaining tooth for show.  With a glimmer in their eye, they’ll look at me and say “lookie here at old chomper. *bing*”

Floss



Playing Card
August 30, 2009, 4:20 am
Filed under: Functional | Tags: , ,

I found a solitary playing card amidst the weeds and grass this morning.  It was a little curled, so you have to wonder if it was used for blow.

The mysteries of the universe, really.

Blow Roll?