Things Found In My Yard

High Fructose Sugar Frosted Homeless Sign

Corn pops were a staple as a child.  I was a hyper kid and needed large amounts of sugar to sustain the level of energy necessary to be the spaz I was… So when I saw this box, unfolded, lain in my yard with the same care one lays a baby jesus in a manger, I immediately had the thrill a recovered heroin addict feels when relapsing for the first time.

OHHHH, I said to myself.  Wondering why the hell the box was unfolded.

I flipped it over to see if it was a sign that said “will work for food” or my less favorite version “Why Lie. I need money for a blow job.”  Sadly it wasn’t.

Also, notice that it says something about 110 calories?  can we confirm this?


An Accent that Doesn’t Quit

This one is more mysterious than other findings.  It’s a “cellular accent” in a cellophane wrapper.

I mean seriously people, what the hell is a cellular accent?  Is it to add emphasis to a vowel?  Is it a fancy word for accessory?  Well shit, I’m sold.

Let’s brainstorm all the possibilities it could be: A Miley Cyrus Hannah Montana Cell Phone Wig.  A Halloween Toy that some somali pirate felt needed to be left on my lawn?  Glenn Beck’s anti-tear cover for the Iphone?  A hello kitty bobble?

The possibilities boggle the mind…

Leaves/More proof that I’m a shitty neighbor

This whole blog started with a homeless man sleeping in a neighbor’s front yard.  I, like any other terrible person, decided to live and let live, took a photo and went back inside where I prepared refreshments and watched South Park.  I guess you could call me a “hands off” neighbor.

Another things my tender fingers haven’t touched in months is neither a rake nor a lawnmower.  My thought, live and let live, those weeds have every right to be there.

This morning I was walking out to my car and noticed that both of my immediate neighbors have done a fabulous job of keeping their now dying lawns pristine.  If you look below you’ll see a very clear property line where my one neighbor’s lawn starts and mine ends.  It’s reminds me of  when the Pope split up South America with The Line of Demarcation to give Brazil to Portugal and the rest to Spain: Brazil stayed well manicured, hairless even, while the rest of South America fell prey to cocaine dealers and hippies hiking the andes mountains.

I guess this is why I find random shit in my yard…

The Battle Lines Are Clearly Drawn

Tuesday Night Delight

As I’ve mentioned in the past, Parking is a contentious issue in my neighborhood.  I shy away from parking in Lois’ spot because I don’t want to have any arteries severed.  I haven’t, however, laid down the law about people parking in front of my house, mostly because I’m a pussy and would probably get cut trying to keep someone from parking in front of my house.

And I’m very against getting cut.

Clearly, just a tender soul that wasn’t made for Ghetto Living.

Anyway.  Last night as I’m headed home, a dodge durango is parked in front of my house.  I’m a bit annoyed, but mostly in that “not going to do shit about this” way.  As I’m walking into my house, I realize that not only were there people in the car, but there was definite swaying action going on.

Now, I can only speculate.  It’s possible they had their Jack LaLane juicer in there and were making smoothies and the swaying action was from a team of lumberjacks sawing into coconuts.  But, given that the windows were a bit foggy, I’m going to assume there was something else, more lovemaking-esque going on.

Perhaps this solves the mystery of how condom wrappers end up in my yard.


Free Buffet
October 25, 2009, 4:25 pm
Filed under: Edible, Functional | Tags: , , , , ,

It’s been fairly windy these past few days, so all sorts of shit has been blowing about the neighborhood, landing in my yard like Dorothy Gale.  Although no one is putting my parking warrior out of her misery and stealing her shoes.

This nugget is the lid to a buffet tray.  I am unable to decipher the contents of what this piece of garbage helped keep warm.  It looks like it says Gope 617.  What the hell is that?  Is it foreign?  Notice the foreign 7.

Gope 617

My Heart Will Go On

I almost didn’t pick this up. But the lime green finally got the best of me, so I decided why the hell not. And to my surprise it was totally worth it.

What is this, you may ask?  No, it’s not a condom from Japan.  It’s a capsized plastic toy boat that I most likely ran over with my car.

I’m imagining Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet surviving that kind of devastation. Let’s see Celine Dion sing a powerballad about this…


Half of a Nerf Football
October 16, 2009, 4:20 pm
Filed under: Entertainment, Safety | Tags: , , ,

This is half of a Nerf football, just kicking it next to my chain link fence. Similar to the pool noodle, you have to ask yourself, where’s the rest of it?

Other questions that come to mind are:

Who threw this? (Damned fool kids, probably)

Why didn’t they fetch it back? (isn’t that the point?)

and lastly, Does it look like an athletic cup to anyone else?

The games we play