Things Found In My Yard


Yes, I found irony in my front lawn yesterday.

This requires a back story.  Last week some friends of mine were having their dog, Charlie, neutered.  The dog is easily the most pampered thing on the planet and my friends are clearly going to be insane helicopter parents one day…  The dog is bathed more frequently than I bathe myself, he certainly eats better than I do, and I remember distinctly hearing a tale of the pup’s rash a few weeks ago.  You can almost hear the hovering…

Anyway, after the puppy had his balls chopped, I followed up with my doting friends to see how he was doing, and being the asshole that I am asked casually, “Are you planning on making necklaces from his testicles?”  Once the question had been processed, I was met with a biting retort: “We were planning on throwing them in your yard.”

No,  I didn’t find dog testicles in my yard.

But, I did walk out to my car the next morning and found an empty bag of walnuts.  WTF?


Tuesday Night Delight

As I’ve mentioned in the past, Parking is a contentious issue in my neighborhood.  I shy away from parking in Lois’ spot because I don’t want to have any arteries severed.  I haven’t, however, laid down the law about people parking in front of my house, mostly because I’m a pussy and would probably get cut trying to keep someone from parking in front of my house.

And I’m very against getting cut.

Clearly, just a tender soul that wasn’t made for Ghetto Living.

Anyway.  Last night as I’m headed home, a dodge durango is parked in front of my house.  I’m a bit annoyed, but mostly in that “not going to do shit about this” way.  As I’m walking into my house, I realize that not only were there people in the car, but there was definite swaying action going on.

Now, I can only speculate.  It’s possible they had their Jack LaLane juicer in there and were making smoothies and the swaying action was from a team of lumberjacks sawing into coconuts.  But, given that the windows were a bit foggy, I’m going to assume there was something else, more lovemaking-esque going on.

Perhaps this solves the mystery of how condom wrappers end up in my yard.


Chewed Up Tomato – No, I’m not lying
September 4, 2009, 7:38 pm
Filed under: Edible | Tags: , , , ,

As I walked into my house, I noticed something on my steps.  If you look closely, you’ll notice it’s bits of chewed up tomato.  Normally, you would ask yourself, “what the f*ck?” but sadly, this isn’t the weirdest thing I’ve seen in my lawn… remember Hindu Cattle?

Although it does beg a lot of questions:

  1. Huh?
  2. Why?
  3. Err?

Yes, that’s astroturf.  Don’t judge.  It wasn’t my idea.