Things Found In My Yard

Tuesday Night Delight

As I’ve mentioned in the past, Parking is a contentious issue in my neighborhood.  I shy away from parking in Lois’ spot because I don’t want to have any arteries severed.  I haven’t, however, laid down the law about people parking in front of my house, mostly because I’m a pussy and would probably get cut trying to keep someone from parking in front of my house.

And I’m very against getting cut.

Clearly, just a tender soul that wasn’t made for Ghetto Living.

Anyway.  Last night as I’m headed home, a dodge durango is parked in front of my house.  I’m a bit annoyed, but mostly in that “not going to do shit about this” way.  As I’m walking into my house, I realize that not only were there people in the car, but there was definite swaying action going on.

Now, I can only speculate.  It’s possible they had their Jack LaLane juicer in there and were making smoothies and the swaying action was from a team of lumberjacks sawing into coconuts.  But, given that the windows were a bit foggy, I’m going to assume there was something else, more lovemaking-esque going on.

Perhaps this solves the mystery of how condom wrappers end up in my yard.



Free Buffet
October 25, 2009, 4:25 pm
Filed under: Edible, Functional | Tags: , , , , ,

It’s been fairly windy these past few days, so all sorts of shit has been blowing about the neighborhood, landing in my yard like Dorothy Gale.  Although no one is putting my parking warrior out of her misery and stealing her shoes.

This nugget is the lid to a buffet tray.  I am unable to decipher the contents of what this piece of garbage helped keep warm.  It looks like it says Gope 617.  What the hell is that?  Is it foreign?  Notice the foreign 7.

Gope 617

My Heart Will Go On

I almost didn’t pick this up. But the lime green finally got the best of me, so I decided why the hell not. And to my surprise it was totally worth it.

What is this, you may ask?  No, it’s not a condom from Japan.  It’s a capsized plastic toy boat that I most likely ran over with my car.

I’m imagining Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet surviving that kind of devastation. Let’s see Celine Dion sing a powerballad about this…


Half of a Nerf Football
October 16, 2009, 4:20 pm
Filed under: Entertainment, Safety | Tags: , , ,

This is half of a Nerf football, just kicking it next to my chain link fence. Similar to the pool noodle, you have to ask yourself, where’s the rest of it?

Other questions that come to mind are:

Who threw this? (Damned fool kids, probably)

Why didn’t they fetch it back? (isn’t that the point?)

and lastly, Does it look like an athletic cup to anyone else?

The games we play

Bling / You’ve got to be joking

So I’ve had a handful of people tell me they are going to start planting interesting crap in my yard.  This is the first time I’ve ever wondered if someone is just messing with me.  Yes, you’re eyes aren’t deceiving you.  It is a silver cassette tape covered in rhinestones.

BUT WAIT!  It’s a belt buckle.  Seriously.  I’m going to wear it.  Someone sure as shit should.

I’m going to do something different.  I’d like you, my avid readers (all ten of you), to write the thought process that goes through someone’s head when purchasing said belt buckle… also, extra credit, name a store where you could find something like this.  Once you’ve got your story down, post it in the comments.  I’ll pick my favorite and then give the winner the belt buckle.

Here’s my story.  “oh shit, while I was american eagle outfitters yesterday, I saw the most fetch piece of bling I could ever imagine.  It was a cassette tape with rhinestones.  Now I finally have something to draw attention away from my camel toe.”  Hopefully you can do better.

80's Bling

Renovation Remnants
October 2, 2009, 2:07 am
Filed under: Entertainment | Tags: , , ,

So one of my neighbors is renovating and decided to throw out a few of the leftovers from the previous renter.  Notice a few things: there are two lightbrites (I stole both of them), the “sticker” that says “have you hugged a radical today?” and of course, the random fishbowl.

So this wasn’t technically my yard, but I don’t care.  I mean hell, there were two lightbrites within 20 feet of my front door.

Nighttime remnants