Things Found In My Yard

Javier Escaname’s Morning Routine

Holy Jeez.  I found all kinds of shit in my yard yesterday morning.  I’m not sure how to really process it.    The items included a starburst, still in the wrapper, a time sheet, and a dryer sheet.

I’d like to think all of it was left by one person.

The time sheet clearly names Javier Escaname as the culprit.  He’s an early riser, working 7 to 4PM.  So here’s probably what went down.  Javier, rushing to work in his early morning, starburst induced high, realized that he had a leftover Bounce sheet attached to his sweater (it was cold), and thought, “damn that static cling.”

And whilst trying to reach for the offending dryer sheet, leaned forward and from his pocket fell his time sheet and his starburst (his primary source of energy).

I’ve decided to attach a photo of me trying to read… in my yard.



Yes, I found irony in my front lawn yesterday.

This requires a back story.  Last week some friends of mine were having their dog, Charlie, neutered.  The dog is easily the most pampered thing on the planet and my friends are clearly going to be insane helicopter parents one day…  The dog is bathed more frequently than I bathe myself, he certainly eats better than I do, and I remember distinctly hearing a tale of the pup’s rash a few weeks ago.  You can almost hear the hovering…

Anyway, after the puppy had his balls chopped, I followed up with my doting friends to see how he was doing, and being the asshole that I am asked casually, “Are you planning on making necklaces from his testicles?”  Once the question had been processed, I was met with a biting retort: “We were planning on throwing them in your yard.”

No,  I didn’t find dog testicles in my yard.

But, I did walk out to my car the next morning and found an empty bag of walnuts.  WTF?